Secrets to a successful relationship

 

What happens when you fall in love? After a while, the soap opera begins, you start demanding. When you start demanding, the love diminishes. The joy fades away. 

So then you say, “Oh I have made a mistake in this relationship.” Then there’s struggle and pain to get out of that relationship. After getting out of it, you get into one more; and the same story repeats.

Love is essential in relationships, not mere attraction. In love, there is submission. This is the difference between love and attraction. Though attraction forms the first step, you cannot remain on the first step for too long. You have to move on to the next. That is love.

What is that you want to know about a relationship? It is really to see how it can be long-lasting. Isn’t it? 

Three things are essential in any relationship: 

1. Right perception;

2. Right observation; and 

3. Right expression.

Often people say nobody understands them. Instead of saying, “No one understands me,” you can say that you have not expressed yourself properly. If you speak Russian to a Spaniard, they won’t understand definitely. Right perception can happen when you see yourself from the shoes of the other person and look at the situation.

Right perception, and then right observation. You may have perceived right but how do you react? How do you feel within yourself? Observing your own mind is the second important aspect. This observation within you: observation of sensation, observation of tendencies, observation of patterns within you is also essential.

Perception of the other; observation of oneself. and then, right expression. Expressing ourselves in the right manner.

The whole life is a lesson of just these three things: perception, observation, and expression. Every mistake you make is really not a mistake; it’s a learning process of the three vital aspects of life. 

Perception needs to be expanded. Don’t just see someone from outside. If someone is grumpy or a little finicky, we hold them responsible for their behaviour. But if we see from a wider perspective, many aspects will come up: that person is grumpy for some reason. That is reflecting in the relationship, widening our lens of perception. Not just accusing someone for what they did, but rather than accommodating them and seeing them at a larger picture. This will help in the relationship. This is the first secret. 

Second aspect is to give. At the same time allow others to give also. Suppose you are doing everything but you don’t let the other person to do something in return, you are taking them away from their self-worth. Sometimes people say, “Oh! See, I did so much but still that person doesn’t love me.” Why? Because they feel uncomfortable. Love is when there is an exchange. And that can happen when you give them an opportunity to do something for you also.

This needs a little skill. We have to be skillful in making the other also contribute without demanding. The only way we know to get someone to do something for us is by demand. 

This has to be done more skillfully. In a relationship, see that the other also contributes to your life so that they don’t feel completely worthless. For love to blossom, self-worth is essential. This is the second important secret. 

The third aspect of relationship is giving enough space. When you love someone, you don’t give them any breathing space and this can be suffocating. Suffocation destroys love. Respect each other’s space. Take some time off. The ancient people knew this. They had this practice of sending the wives to their mother’s place for one month in a year. That one month created so much longing.

For love to blossom, there needs to be longing, and longing needs a little space. If you destroy longing, if you don’t allow longing in your relationship then love does not grow. The charm is lost.

And the fourth aspect is that a relationship should be treated as a dessert, not as a main course. If your life is aimed at some goal, if there is some goal in your life, some aim in your life, then you move in the direction and relationship will move along. If all your focus is just on your relationship, it will not work. And it doesn’t work. You can’t have a dessert for your main course. 

Have a goal in life, have an aim to do some service. Sharing and serving would enhance your ability to love, your ability to accept. And if you have that as a goal and both together move in that direction, there will be no problem.

Service is an essential ingredient for a successful relationship. And if the relationship comes from the space of giving rather than need, it is a good relationship. 

Often we get bored. When you’re centered, and let go of your feverishness, you’re not bored with yourself; then your charm is long-lasting. That is the secret of being centered, being connected with the self deep within us.

Ananda once asked Buddha, “Buddha, for 40 years I’ve been watching you day and night. But what is it? I can’t get over you. Everyday you’re more charming. Every moment I see you, you’re ever new.” 

That is the nature of our consciousness. Mind is not a stagnant lake; it is a flowing river, fast-flowing river. So when we float with the river, when we are in the moment—every moment—not just brood over the past or anxious about the future, we are ever new.

Love is your very nature

 

Love is so enormous. And for ages, people have tried to express their love and finally, they felt they cannot. Even the great sage Narada said, ‘Anirvachaniyam prema swarupam’. You cannot express it. The nature of true love is that it is beyond expression. Love with wisdom is bliss. Love without knowledge or wisdom is pain. It is not the love that is giving you pain. If it is just pure love, that means you just care for someone, you want the best for them, and then there is no pain. But when you want something in return from them or you have demands from them, then there is pain.

Jealousy, hatred, greed, arrogance and attachment are all love’s distortions. Love by itself doesn’t bring misery. That is why knowledge and centeredness are so important. If you are centered, you can handle all these distortions, they come for a while and they disappear. Feelings are like clouds. They are like the waves on the surface of the ocean. They arise, they come and they go. Love is a gift. You can’t force anyone to feel love. Just relax. When you want love, that want itself is turning or delaying love from manifesting. So all that you need to do is to let go and relax. You will see your nature is love.

Love is always there. It will manifest when it should. Like the sun is always there but it comes at its own time. In the same way, all the beautiful feelings in your life are there with you all the time. You can’t forcefully manifest them. They will manifest at different times in life. You cannot make an effort to love, either yourself or anybody. You simply have to relax and realize that you are love. Love is the shadow of the Self. The bigger the Self, the bigger the shadow, and the bigger the love. When the love is cast over the entire creation, then you are the Big Self. That is Lordship. When Lordship dawns on the Self, there is a perennial celebration.

The three shaktis

The dynamics of how events happen is a big mystery. Only one who is 100 per cent involved in doing can recognise the happening. The healthiest way to apply this knowledge is to see the whole past as "happening" and the present as "doing". If you see the past as doing, then ego and regret come along. And when you see the present as happening, laziness and unawareness set in. Let the happening be for the past and the doing for the present. And the future is a mix of both.

The wise will see the doing in happening and the happening in doing simultaneously. One who does a lot of work will never say he did a lot. If someone says he did a lot of work, that means he can do more. He has not done enough. Work does not tire you as much as the “doership” does.

All actions happen through consciousness. The world moves because of consciousness. Consciousness expresses the three shaktis - gyan shakti, ichcha shakti and kriya shakti. Knowledge, action and desire. If these shaktis are aligned, life becomes very smooth. If not, life is in doldrums.

It will be very foolish to desire something that is not aligned with knowledge — like having a desire to own a house on the moon. When there is lack of knowledge, you get stuck in the desire. Sometimes you have some knowledge, but you don’t act on it. Then also you become miserable.

Many a time you say that you will do certain things or that you want to do certain things, yet you never do it. You just keep postponing something that you know is very good. The desire to do is there and you also know that it is good for you, but still you don’t do it. This is lack of kriya shakti.

Ichcha shakti is desire, gyana shakti is the power of knowledge and kriya shakti is the power to act. Some people have lots of kriya shakti, but lack gyana shakti. They have the power to act, but there is no knowledge of what to do. When this happens, people become restless – the kriya shakti doesn’t allow them to be quiet.  And on the other end of the scale, there are people who are not so active — lack of kriya shakti. Such people will simply sit quiet but their minds will go on working. Then there are people who lack ichcha shakti. In them, there is no strong desire. They do something for sometime and do something else two minutes later. They lack the desire to complete the action and their minds keep changing. Lethargy is manifestation of lack of ichcha shakti. Some people will have a lot of knowledge, but no desire to share with others. They have lots of gyana shakti, but no ichcha shakti. A perfect balance of these shaktis is very rare.

Desire, awareness of the Self and action all are manifestation of the same energy that is you. One of these three dominates at a time. When desire dominates, awareness of the Self will be at its lowest. That’s why all the philosophers around the world have always advocated renunciation and dropping of desires. When you are in a state of awareness, happiness dawns and when desire dominates, stress and sorrow take over.

When actions dominate, restlessness follows. When your actions and desires are aligned to the Divine or to the welfare of society, then the consciousness is automatically elevated and the knowledge of the Self dawns. There is a Big Mind and a Small Mind. Sometimes the Big Mind wins over the Small Mind and sometimes it is the other way around. When the Small Mind wins over, it is misery and when the Big Mind wins, it is joy. Small Mind promises joy and leaves your hand empty. Big Mind may bring resistance in the beginning but fills you with joy.

The Divine is your child

 

God is the very core of your existence. The Divine principle is not someone in the sky; it is inside you in the form of consciousness. Know that you have abundance of grace within you, and the Divine is your very own. Happiness, joy and even devotion comes by grace. Whatever one gets in life, that comes with grace.

You have always thought of God as a father, up in the heavens somewhere. When you think of God as a father, you will want to demand and take from Him. Why do you want to pray? What do you want to ask? A good father already knows what to give. Assume that you are the most beloved of the Divine; then surrender happens. Surrender is not an action, it is an assumption. Non-surrender is ignorance, an illusion. Surrender begins as an assumption and then it reveals itself as a reality. The world is made up of both - the seen universe and the unseen consciousness. It is the form of the Divine but the Divine is formless. There is no “two”, no duality.

For God, there is no you and I. He can only see himself in everything and everyone. No one has any independent existence. God is not an object of senses but the feeling of feelings, the presence of presence, the sound of silence, light of life, the essence of the world and the taste of bliss. You are pregnant with God! You have to take care of your pregnancy and deliver this child into the world. Most people do not deliver.

God is your child who clings onto you like a baby until you grow old and die. When you see God as a child, you have no demands. Your surrender to a child is more authentic because there is no demand. This Child clings onto the devotee, crying for nourishment. Sadhana, satsang, and seva are the nourishments. Atheists lurk around the corner. Doubts, disbelief and ignorance are the atheists in your mind. So better take care.