What happens when you fall in love? After a while, the soap opera
begins, you start demanding. When you start demanding, the love diminishes. The
joy fades away.
So then you say, “Oh I have made a mistake in this relationship.” Then
there’s struggle and pain to get out of that relationship. After getting out of
it, you get into one more; and the same story repeats.
Love is essential in relationships, not mere attraction. In love, there
is submission. This is the difference between love and attraction. Though
attraction forms the first step, you cannot remain on the first step for too
long. You have to move on to the next. That is love.
What is that you want to know about a relationship? It is really to see
how it can be long-lasting. Isn’t it?
Three things are essential in any relationship:
1. Right perception;
2. Right observation; and
3. Right expression.
Often people say nobody understands them. Instead of saying, “No one
understands me,” you can say that you have not expressed yourself properly. If you speak
Russian to a Spaniard, they won’t understand definitely. Right perception can
happen when you see yourself from the shoes of the other person and look at the
situation.
Right perception, and then right observation. You may have perceived
right but how do you react? How do you feel within yourself? Observing your own
mind is the second important aspect. This observation within you: observation
of sensation, observation of tendencies, observation of patterns within you is
also essential.
Perception of the other; observation of oneself. and then, right
expression. Expressing ourselves in the right manner.
The whole life is a lesson of just these three things: perception,
observation, and expression. Every mistake you make is really not a mistake;
it’s a learning process of the three vital aspects of life.
Perception needs to be expanded. Don’t just see someone from outside. If
someone is grumpy or a little finicky, we hold them responsible for their
behaviour. But if we see from a wider perspective, many aspects will come up:
that person is grumpy for some reason. That is reflecting in the relationship,
widening our lens of perception. Not just accusing someone for what they did,
but rather than accommodating them and seeing them at a larger picture.
This will help in the relationship. This is the first secret.
Second aspect is to give. At the same time allow others to give also. Suppose you are doing everything but you don’t let the other person to do something in return, you are taking them away from their self-worth. Sometimes people say, “Oh! See, I did so much but still that person doesn’t love me.” Why? Because they feel uncomfortable. Love is when there is an exchange. And that can happen when you give them an opportunity to do something for you also.
This needs a little skill. We have to be skillful in making the other
also contribute without demanding. The only way we know to get someone to do
something for us is by demand.
This has to be done more skillfully. In a relationship, see that the
other also contributes to your life so that they don’t feel completely
worthless. For love to blossom, self-worth is essential. This is the
second important secret.
The third aspect of relationship is giving enough space. When you love someone, you don’t give them any breathing space and this can be suffocating. Suffocation destroys love. Respect each other’s space. Take some time off. The ancient people knew this. They had this practice of sending the wives to their mother’s place for one month in a year. That one month created so much longing.
For love to blossom, there needs to be longing, and longing needs a
little space. If you destroy longing, if you don’t allow longing in your
relationship then love does not grow. The charm is lost.
And the fourth aspect is that a relationship should be treated as a
dessert, not as a main course. If your life is aimed at some goal, if there is
some goal in your life, some aim in your life, then you move in the direction
and relationship will move along. If all your focus is just on your
relationship, it will not work. And it doesn’t work. You can’t have a dessert
for your main course.
Have a goal in life, have an aim to do some service. Sharing and serving
would enhance your ability to love, your ability to accept. And if you have
that as a goal and both together move in that direction, there will be no
problem.
Service is an essential ingredient for a successful relationship. And if
the relationship comes from the space of giving rather than need, it is a good
relationship.
Often we get bored. When you’re centered, and let go of your
feverishness, you’re not bored with yourself; then your charm is long-lasting.
That is the secret of being centered, being connected with the self deep within
us.
Ananda once asked Buddha, “Buddha, for 40 years I’ve been watching you
day and night. But what is it? I can’t get over you. Everyday you’re more
charming. Every moment I see you, you’re ever new.”
That is the nature of our consciousness. Mind is not a stagnant lake; it is a flowing river, fast-flowing river. So when we float with the river, when we are in the moment—every moment—not just brood over the past or anxious about the future, we are ever new.
